turn to the gates of heaven, to myself be damned

We see things not as they are but as we are.

-John Milton

Paradise Lost

Ahh, Phoenix drivers. Gotta love 'em. Mile and a half of 30 mph for no reason? Sure, we can do that! Driving the speed limit in the left lane? No problem. Going through construction barriers and guides like rats in a maze, searching for cheese that's not really there? Phoenix drivers will take care of that for ya.

I mean, really. Between snowbirds who can't read the street signs (bad vision) to non-US citizens who can't read the street signs (language barrier) to Cali transplants (..'nuff said), it's a wonder anyone gets any actual driving done anywhere in this city.

Anyway. Not to start the entry on a bitchy note, but it's just reason 5,092 why I smoke herb. I'm pretty sure running someone off the highway and dragging him out of his car to beat with my tire iron is probably frowned upon.

On a deeper note..

I feel lately like my life is a big puzzle, and there are all these pieces coming together of which I'm not aware. There is a lot going on currently that I don't quite understand, yet I know without a doubt there is a purpose to it all. I'm meeting and forming relationships (as well s severing ones) with people with whom I'd have never imagined I'd interact. Yet it doesn't feel nonchalant, or peculiar. It feels like everything that's happening and has happened in the last year or two is all interconnected and threaded together in a way that's not yet clear.

Sometimes you just feel things in your bones. Well, I do. I know some of you do, too. It's a sense, an instinct about things, that runs to the marrow. You feel it pulsing through you and electrifying your whole body. These feelings aren't some crazy adrenaline-pumping rush--they're subtle. They're like someone whispering a centuries-old secret to me; it's hushed and almost inaudible but the weight of its importance is immeasurable. I feel- I know- that something amazing and unexpected is going to happen to me or involving my life, and it's going to change me and possibly those around me forever.

It's everywhere-I feel it in the air, on the breeze. The breeze feels like a thousand ghostly fingers running through my hair. The sound of it in the trees sounds as though a million spirits are following my every move. It's not ominous-just ever so present. It's like 'they' know that I know, and they're telling me to stay strong and steadfast, and to follow my instincts. It sounds crazy, and maybe it is a little crazy, but it's one of the truest, most raw experiences I've ever had. I've learned over the years and in retrospect that tuning in to your 'gut' feelings and just tuning in to the world around you is a beautiful and rewarding gift to yourself. There are things and entities we know nothing about, but if we just turn down our own voices and slow our breathing we can become truly aware of the world around us (beyond the physical, tangible world).

That hippie, metaphysical tangent did have a purpose, I promise. I'm not going to start wearing patchouli and stop washing my hair, don't worry.

There are just times when the universe is giving-practically handing-to you knowledge or clues about your future, and if you're shut down and non-receptive it's all for naught. I've been feeling like this for some time now, but only in the last six months or so have I really tuned into it, almost fully. It's like a mother sensing when her child is hurt or in danger-it's that kind of just knowing. It's interesting and exciting, though, because I've always had strong convictions in my abilities and my future. I've known since I was a child that things would be fine-better than fine-no matter how bad they got. And believe me, there were bad times. But I always had this odd knowledge that things would be okay. Even at my darkest times, when I felt like I was drowning in a pitch black, thick pool of melancholy, I somehow knew that it wasn't my time to leave the world. I knew I would be involved in something big-even if it was only big to one other person.

So these feelings lately-they aren't something I shrug off or disregard. Especially when I examine some of the situation, like the people with whom I've been connected recently. Even my best friend came into my life for a very definitive reason, I know. I think about what turns my life would've taken had I stayed with my ex a few years ago, and one of the first and major things that comes to mind is my best friend. It feels as though we were separated at birth, or perhaps sisters in another life. I couldn't imagine existing on this earth without her in my life. And our spiritual connection is uncanny-we've known each other about a year and a half but it feels like we were meant to meet and become friends. It's like the universe was waiting for each of our lives to be at the right time to come together.

I've been using (maybe close to overusing) the term 'electric' to describe myself lately, and it's because any time I think of how my spirit and my body feels that's the first thing that comes to mind. I feel something running through me at all times, making me hyperaware and almost clairvoyant. It's not clairvoyance in the stereotypical way, though-it's subtle and I think it's purposely a little enigmatic. I think the universe is trying to get me to pay attention more. I know things, but I don't know them. I have dreams that I know are telling me very relevant things, but I can't put them together coherently. I meet, approach, and/or am approached by, people who I just know are vital to this part of my life-vital to the puzzle that's being assembled. I can't say why and I can't fully say how, but I examine how bewildered I am about some of my interpersonal connections and I realize it's because they don't make any sense. I'm bewildered because I could've never predicted it and yet it feels like it's been coming all along. I find myself wondering why so-and-so has come into my life, and I into theirs, and I have to stop and step back, and realize that this instance is one for which there is a definite, concrete reason. The opposites-attract or 'different strokes' cliches are all around me. I feel like I put out to the higher powers what I wasn't looking for regarding friends and lovers, and I was sent exactly that. Yet I know there is a greater meaning behind it.

Ugh. I feel like I'm making no sense, but the words are coming out as they're being spoken in my head-I'm just putting it all out there. So maybe it actually doesn't make sense? Ha.

So that's it for now. I had notes and a bunch of other stuff about which to blog, and that stuff was actually compelling, but I'm ever the stoner and can't recall where I wrote the notes and how exactly I planned on threading it all together so sober and/or sane people could read it. I'm sure it'll come to me at an ungodly hour and spew out like a baby unicorn-a bumbling mess birthed from something beautiful but probably inherently nonexistent.

Till then.


OH! Speaking of unicorns... just click it. Trust me.

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