a fire that's just waiting for fuel

DISCLAIMER: This is a rant. My mind is on overdrive and I've had an insane weekend so it's just verbal defecation all over the paper (screen?). Don't take it so seriously that you start a riot or cry or get upset with me or hate me. It's just a blog. Or do-at this point, I'm thisclose to not really caring.


Sometimes I wonder why the fuck people don't just CHILL out. Things happen, sometimes life gets in the way of...life. Sometimes people get in the way of life and sometimes life and/or people get in the way of work. However it happens, sometimes the shit just hits the proverbial fan (or nearly hits it) and what can you do? You just roll with it.

The older I get and the more I experience, the more indifferent I become about certain things and the quicker I am to say 'fuck it' as a response (not always verbalized, however) to certain situations. I used to stress and really contemplate how specific actions affected others until I realized that in some instances it really DOESN'T matter. Why? Because in certain situations you have to step back and see that were the tables turned, the other party (or parties) wouldn't give a shit what YOUR reaction or feelings were. It is good to consider the way your behavior will affect others...in most situations. But there are plenty of times where you have to put your self-interest and/or survival before that of others.

I've always had an unexplainable but definite assurance within myself that I'd be successful, whatever I chose to do. I've gone through my life trying my best to LIVE it, and though I've made plenty of mistakes, I've also made a helluva lot of great memories and learned a shitload of lessons I wouldn't have otherwise. I've also become much stronger in my convictions about my future. I just know things will work out. If you merely read that sentence, it may appear idealistic or naive-make no mistake--I don't expect things to be handed to me or just come my way with no effort on my part. What it really is is a deep-rooted sense of 'what lies beyond', so to speak. Spiritually, I have a great deal of faith in life and the universe and karma. In so, I also have a lot of faith in my abilities and talents. I know how and where I work best and what my strengths as well as my weaknesses are. So I've never stressed about 'getting a degree' or 'starting a career' or any of that. I don't know...I just know everything'll work out fine. I see life as a ride, and you have to make the most of that ride considering how unpredictable it can be. Why waste time planning and plotting and mapping everything out, only to hit a curve you never could've predicted and crash and have to start all over? As long as you know your options and limits, the trivialities matter little.

But I digress.

I now have very little patience for "The Man" and conformity and regulations. I'm no fool-I know there are times when one has to adhere to certain social or occupational expectations. However, I've never, ever hung my life or my well-being on a job or a career or school. One reason I've been drawn to jobs that are under the table or don't require schedules is because I refuse to let a J-O-B run my life. Why on earth would you waste hours and hours and tears and sweat on something that makes you miserable and sticks it to you every time you look away? I'm not going to ask permission to live my life. I'm not going to apologize for caring more about LIVING and experiencing and grabbing the reins of opportunity when it rides by. I'm an asset to whatever I put 100% into or whatever I commit to regarding occupations. But I'm not naive-I'm just as replaceable as the next guy. There's always someone above you as well as below you. I can give my best and be responsible and reliable and all the little cookie-cutter 'boxes' you want. But if the chance to better myself in some way comes by, I'm not gonna stand there and watch it catch the next person because I'm being guilt-tripped into being a good 'employee'. Guess what? I'll eventually move on and so will you. You'll get the next person to fill my shoes and I'm sure they'll be every bit the model employee you desire. Meanwhile, I'll be out living my fucking life and enjoying the fact that my head isn't stuck up the ass of a company that won't give two shits about me in ten years. Sounds harsh, but it's true. How horribly tragic is it if one of your employees misses a shift? Does life come to a screeching halt? Does your business suddenly hit rock bottom? Is it like in movies, when the silence hits and all movement freezes, and you can hear a pin drop? NO. It's not. It keeps fucking going because it's not that big of a deal. The only reason these managerial guilt trips work on people is because people fear authority and think that Joe Manager was never in their shoes; never a menial employee himself. People tremble and sweat over upsetting 'the boss' when they just need to CHILL the fuck out. It's a god damn JOB, okay? Move on. Get over it. Everyone will be fine if you're not there or if you fucked up in some trivial way. Giving in to hierarchical pressure just perpetuates the cycle of The Man fistfucking all of middle America. Stand up for the things that matter to you. If you get fired over it, hey--let me clue you in on a tiny little fact: there are tons of jobs in this country. Have a little faith in yourself and get a new job. At least you got fired for having balls and sticking to your guns rather than pulling a Milton and retreating to the fucking basement.

rant /over.

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